Rivendell Rednecks
by elf-pimps
Summary: What happens when Kath and Bird decide to make all the elves talk like rednecks? Read and Find out! Much silliness! Read REVIEW!
1. Wennie

**Disclaimer:** Do you really think I own this? **Elrohir:** WTF is going on here? **Bird: **um...Kath and I thought it would be funny to make you guys act like rednecks...**Elrohir: **You be including Haldir and Legolas, right? You aren't planning on just picking on us Rivendell Elves? **Legolas and Haldir:** SHUT UP, Elrohir! Leave us out of this!

--------------

The day was beautiful. Rays of sunlight speckled the ground, as birds filled the air with their joyous music.

Two elves quietly and stealthily crept along the forest floor stalking a deer. Unaware of the elves, the soft tan doe nibbled at a patch of clover. For a moment, both were spell bound by the gracefulness and beauty of the female deer.

Sending a prayer of thanks to Iluvátar for blessing the elves with such provisions, one of the elves raised his bow and aimed. Just as he pulled back, a shriek shattered the peaceful air.

"GIT ON BACK HERE YOU HUSSY!!!"

The elf sighed irritably as the doe bounded off.

The sound of crashing pots and shattering glass preceded the figure of their sister running out of the First Homely House and down the steps.

The pots that flew out of the door crashed against numerous glass bottles, broken bows, and horse shoes that lay scattered all over the forest floor. Several broken pieces of furniture also graced the 'yard'.

Arwenspied them nearby, and they both gulped in fear as she ran up to them, obviously angry.

"Uh…uh…what's wrong, Wennie?" Elrohir managed to get out. Elladan smiled weakly at her.

Her face was red with frustration.

"Mama jest says Ah cain't git married to Gornie!" Arwen stuck her hands on her hips and jutted out her hip to one side. "Ah jest cain't believe her gall! She jest gone 'n had a conniption fit when Ah told her Ah wuz snoggin' him!"

Elrohir just looked at her in disbelief.

"WENNIE, you nutty!? Daddy's gonna do more than 'ave a conniption fit when he finds out!" Elladan could not believe his ears. "'Member what daddy done when he find you and Oro' in the barn. He threaten to cut oft the elf's balls and feed'em to the dawgs!"

"Well, its mah life, not thars, and if'n Ah wanna snog Gornie, then by Eru, Ah'll snog 'im." Arwen thrust her chin forward determinedly. Elrohir remained silent, but his eyes grew wide as he stared behind Arwen.

Elrond stalked toward them, with Celebrian trying to keep up, pulling on his arm.

"Now, Rondy, don't you go on killing her! You let that girl lone! She's mah only girl!"

"Shut-up, Cebby! Ah ain't gonna kill her!" Elrond turned to his wife. "But Ah'm a gonna kill Gornie, that stoopid man!" He turned back to his daughter, who now had an innocent smile on her face.

"Oh, daddy," she smiled and said innocently.

"Don't you, 'Oh daddy' me, babydoll! Ah is knowin' all about you sneaking out at night to see him!" He pointed his finger right at her face. "If'n Ah catch him on our property again, Ah'm a gonna make Aragorn-shish-kababs outta 'im!" Elrond turned around and stomped back to the First Homely House, after kicking several miruvor bottles out of the way. Many more of the bottles lay strewn all over the forest floor.

Celebrian gave her daughter a withering look and spoke pointedly, "You'd jest best not git knocked up, you hearin' me!"

"Mama, git off it, you and daddy don't seem to mind Ro and Dan snoggin' anything with two legs and an orifice," Arwen said angrily.

"Boys will be boys, and them's not gonna git knocked up!" Celebrian followed her daughter as Arwen stormed away.

Elrohir stood stunned for a moment, not believing that this really was his family.

Elladan just spat on the ground, and slung his bow over his shoulder. "Well, Ah'm a guessin' we best be gittin' on back to the house now."

Elrohir nodded in agreement and walked back to the First Homely House with his brother, quite unhappy. It was almost time for supper, and after that display, he dreaded it.


	2. Gornie

**Disclaimer:** Tolkien will not want to claim them when we are through! However, they are still not ours...**Aragorn:** WOMAN! Are you crazy!!!??? **Kath:** Must I dignify that with an answer...?

----------------

Aragorn sat with his father, Arathorn on the front porch of their tarpaper shanty in Gondor, whittling on a piece of pine, and spitting tobacco juice into an old, tarnished spittoon.

"Daddy," Aragorn began, "Ah is beginnin' to think that Arwen's Daddy don't cotton to me much."

"Ya'll need to be careful 'round Elrond, Gornie. If'n Ah was you, Ah'd pick some other gal to snog...what about yer cousin? She ain't had a beau since her brother got et by that warg."

"Naw...Ah love Arwen, Daddy. It's jest that when Ah go a courtin' her, her daddy shoots arrows at me. Jest last week he purt near put one in mah rear!"

"Well, son...if'n you insist on that gal, then you gots to do what Ah did to gets her Daddy to let ya'll get married."

"What did you do, Daddy?"

"Why, Ah gots yer mama knocked up, a'course! There ain't no Daddy in Arda would let his little girl go an' have a baby without no husband!"

Aragorn smiled, thinking of the fun he would have being just like his Daddy.

"Whar will we live, Daddy?" Aragorn asked, suddenly worried about having to actually work for a living.

"Son, you and yer new bride ken live right here, with me! Why, Ah'm shur she won't mind...jest look at this place!" he replied, sweeping his arm in front of him, indicating their estate.

The rocky, barren lawn swept down to the edge of the forest, littered with broken wagon wheels, and empty wine barrels.

"Thanks, Daddy! Ah'm goin' to fetch her and knock her up right now!" Aragorn yelled, jumping to his feet. He ran and jumped into his carriage, which was painted a bright red, had oversized wheels, a sword rack, and sported a big Gondor flag across the back window. The carriage had flames painted on the sides, of which Aragorn was especially proud. His two dogs jumped in with him, sticking their heads out of the windows, tongues hanging out of their mouths.

Arathorn smiled, watching his son drive off, thinking that the boy was growing into a man.


	3. Gladrie

**Disclaimer:** ..... **Tolkien:** My lord, what have you done... **Bird:** Huh, who me? What...**Haldir:** I cannot wait till you get Legolas involved..then I will not be alone in my misery...**Bird:** What about The twins, and all the others, don't they count...?

---------------

"Mama, Ah'm a'wurried about mah lil' girl." Celebrian said, looking absentmindedly across the kitchen table.

"What's thar to be wurried bout, dahrlin'?" Galadriel looked up to her daughter.

Celebrian had arrived only hours before, concern etched in her face. Apparently, Elrond and her, were having some problems with a certain human wanting to bond with Arwen.

"Ah'm 'fraid Wennie's gonna git herself knocked up by that durty human Gornie. Ah mean, she ain't even married yet or nuthin'!"

Galadriel smiled softly at Celebrian, and spoke even softer.

"Now Cebby, Ah knows whut's this all 'bout. You jest don't want her to make the same mistakes you did."

Celebrian looked at her mother, a bit taken aback with the realization that her mother was right!

"Mama, ya know, you be right! Ah mean, that's be how Rondy and Ah's got hitched in the furst place!"

"And 'member when 'Bronnie finded out that you wuz knocked up with the twins?"

Celebrian laughed at the image of her irate father chasing after Elrond with his sword.

However, before she could respond, Haldir and his brothers burst into the talan.

"'EY GLADRIE! WE'S BACK FRUM 'UNTIN'!"

Haldir entered the kitchen, smelly and stinky, and covered in what looked to be various shades of blood. Orophin and Rumil followed behind shortly, matching his image. All three kicked off their boots in the middle of the floor, after dropping all their hunting gear in the doorway.

Rumil walked over to the wine rack, grabbed three bottles of miruvor, and tossed one to each of his brothers. All three pulled out their corks and took a long swig. As if on cue, all three let a loud belch.

"Now's thar's whut Ah needed aftur a hard day's huntin'." Haldir grinned at his brothers and then at the two ellyth sitting at the table.

Galadriel looked less than pleased.

"You three gud fer nuthin' elves! Git yer shit an' git on outta 'ere! Don't you be comin' in 'ere and durtin' mah clean ketchin!" She chased the three out with her broom, as they stumbled to gather up their things, desperately trying not to spill their wine.


	4. Hal'

**Disclaimer:** We don't own it. We don't knowed nobody what owns it neither.

A/N: This fic is written in good humor, with no offense intended toward anyone…that said…

**You know you're a redneck Elf if... **

**...you have a horse up on blocks in front of your talan. **

**...you've stabbed someone in the hand for reaching for the last piece of lembas. **

**...you've passed up minuvar and lembas for beer and a slim jim. **

**...you can burp the "Lament for Gandalf."**

**-----------------------------------------**

The three Lorien brothers, chased out of the kitchen by Galadriel's broom, found themselves a comfy spot under the mallorn tree in the yard, leaning their backs up against the wide trunk.

"Did ya heared what Cebby was sayin' 'bout Wennie? That thar human's been tryin' ta get in her bloomers! What ere ya gonna do about it, Hal?" Rumil asked, taking another swig on his bottle.

"Me? Ah ain't gonna do nothing. She ain't my girl...if'n anybody's gotta do somethin', then it's Bubba Greenleaf! He's the one's had a crush on her fer two thousand years!"

His two brothers nodded sagely, each draining their wine in a long swallow. Wiping his mouth with the back of sleeve, Haldir let out yet another, long, reverberating belch, and scratched his balls absentmindedly, looking as pensive as someone with a third grade education could look.

"Ya'll wanna know somethin'? Ah been suspeckin' that Bubba's got hisself a crush on Gornie, too."

"WHAT?" yelled Orophin and Rumil together.

"Yer crazy! He's a Elf, not no fairy!" Orophin declared, hocking a loogie and spitting into the distance.

"Good one, 'Phin," Rumil proclaimed, impressed with the distance the spitwad had flown.

"Ah know it, ah know it...still, he's been actin' kinda funny 'round Gornie for a while now...makin' shur his hair's all slicked back nice and proper, dudin' up in his bestest Sunday-go-ta-meeting jerkin..."

"Ah noticed that, too...seems like a whole heap a'trouble ta go through jest fer yer huntin' partner, don't it?" Orophin asked, flinging his empty bottle far into the knee high grass of the lawn.

"Ah wonder if'n they was really huntin' a'tall?" Haldir said, looking at each of his brothers in turn.

"The question is, what ere we gonna do about it? We cain't have a fairy be marryin' Cebby's baby girl, now kin we?" Rumil asked, crushing his wine bottle against his forehead, cutting himself quite badly in the process.

"Shit fer brains...Ah done tole ya not ta do that!" Haldir swore, "Go inside an' have Gladrie fix that up fer ya. Damn Knucklehaid." To Orophin, he said, "Ah'll tell ya whut we're gonna do...we're gonna go find Bubba and settle this once and fer all...an if'n he tells us that him and Gornie have been pokin' each other, then we's goin' on a Gornie hunt!"

"Yee-hah!" Orophin shouted, jumping to his feet. "Ah'll git the dawgs, you git the bows n' arries!

"Meet ya in the stables in five minutes!" Haldir yelled, leaping to his feet and holding out three fingers.

From within the house, the brothers heard Galadriel screaming at Rumil. "Yer getting' blood all over mah clean floors, ya good fer nothing little shit! Bend yer haid over the sink and bleed in thar while Ah commence getting the needle an' catgut ready!"


	5. Thandrool

**Disclaimer: _Tolkien:_** I disown those elves... socially -shakes head- but I will continue to own them in a purely financial way...**Rumil:** You did not...-look of doom- **Kath:** You might be a redneck elf if you crush wine bottles on your forehead, repeatedly, and are STILL surprized when you get hurt.....**Orophin:** He's not really a redneck and elf and he still does that...-sniggers- **Rumil:** -Glares at Orophin-

----------------------

**AN (Bird):** Ahem...this question has come up...are we rednecks, us two the Authors......no. BUT, one side of my family is redneck (my daddy), so that makes me 1/2 redneck, and I am fluent in redneckese (yes, that is an offical language...:P) Also, my father has forced me to watch the Blue Collar Tour more than is should be legal for mental health...(and listen to the CD)...so thar ya goes...-blows raspberry-

Also, no offense is meant, but then again, if you are one, or related to one, then I think that gives you the right topoke funat them...:P

**Haldir:** So how does that exactly give you the right to make fun of the elves then...?

**Bird:** Fictional characters have no rights, unless I plan on trying to profit off of you...

----------------------

Legolas "Bubba" Greenleaf ran into the fabled rock shelter of Mirkwood looking for his father. He was beaming with pride, hoping to find his father and show him his new hairstyle.

Thranduil audibly groaned as his son rounded the corner.

Okay, so it was more of a moan, as some big haired blonde bimbo wearing elvish spurs straddled his torso and rode him like the Wild West.

Legolas let out a shrill whistle and yelled, "Git 'er done, Daddy!" as a huge grin crossed his face.

Thranduil looked up at his son and rolled his eyes.

"Bubba, git on outta here!" Thranduil took a double take and then yelled, "WHAT IN THE MORDOR DIDJA DO TO YER HAR!?"

Realizing that an unpleasant scene was about to unfurl, the blonde pulled herself from Thranduil's body, gathered her things and left as quickly as she could.

"Thandrool, baby, Ah'll bees seein' ya laters tonight, right?" He nodded to her affirmatively before she left.

"Ah done gots me a new haircut, daddy." Legolas glowed as he showed off his hair. The top was cut fairly short as the rest of his hair fell shoulder length. Thranduil thought he looked stupid.

"BOY, You done look like you done been rundovert by un orc mob."

Legolas' eyes began to fill with water and his bottom lip quivered.

"Daddy, why does you always does this!?" Legolas whined, offended by his father's comment at his mullet.

Thranduil just rolled his eyes again and quickly pulled his Gondor vs. Rohan Pro-Jousting jerkin on and a pair of ratty leggings. "Ah's swars, boy, if'n yore Mama evert saws you now, she'd tan mah hide." Taking one look back at his son, Thranduil swore under his breath. "Ennyways, whuts this Ah hears bout you and Gornie out huntin'?"

Legolas looked at his dad a bit shocked, and embarrassed.

"Daddy, Ah be not knowin's whut yer tawlkin' bout…"

"Don't you be givin' me no horse shit now, boy! Ah's heared awl bout it. Whut happened to Wennie, that there nice elleth from Riverdill?" Thranduil motioned for his son to follow him outside. Picking up his boots from beside the door, he pulled them on before stepping into the grass.

Drunken elves were passed out everywhere.

Thranduil carefully step over them as he and Legolas walked.

"Daddy, Ah's still likin' her. She's purty and awl, and…"

"And whut, Bubba?" Thranduil paused for a moment to regard his son.

"And, well, Ah's like Gornie, too. And, well, he likin' her too, and he's likin' me, and she's likin' him, and she's likin' me. Well, how's cain Ah put this? We, awl three is likin' each others…"

Thranduil's eyebrows shot up high.

"You threes awl likin' each other? Do that means you three be snoggin' each others at the same time?"

Legolas blushed, but nodded affirmatively.

"GIT 'ER DONE!" A huge grin crossed Thranduil's face, and Legolas relaxed quite a bit. "Hot damn, boy! You be certainly be gittin' it done!"

As Legolas and Thranduil high-fived, an elf on the ground near them groaned, bringing their attention to the southside of the yard. There stood three silver-haired elves.

"Now lookie hear, Rumil. It be Bubba Greenleaf and Thandrool," Haldir grinned, approaching the two Mirkwood elves. The five elves slapped each other on the backs, making sure not to look like they were being TOO gentle or TOO tender with each other, and also pretended that it didn't hurt.

Legolas noticed Rumil's bandaged forehead, and couldn't suppress his mirth.

"'Miller, now whut in the Mordor have you done now!?"

Rumil blushed as Orophin and Haldir burst out laughing.

"'Miller done crushed a wine bottle up against his furhaid, stupid knucklehaid that he be!" Orophin laughed out.

Blushing furiously, and looking as though he was about to shoot someone, Rumil tried to change the subject.

"Bubba, we's come on here to sees bout this Wennie an' Gornie bizniss. Be it true, you two been pokin' each others?"


	6. PhinBob and Miller

**Disclaimer:** I done tole you before, we don't own nuthin'.

AN: Some advice please...should this be R or PG-13? Thanks.

Bubba Legolas...;) Just in case someone missed that earlier...meh

------------------

Bubba grinned sheepishly at the three Silvan Elves, digging his toe into the dirt.

"Damn, boy! You been plowin' Gornie's south forty?" Orophin asked, turning his head and spitting. Unfortunately, Haldir happened to be standing on that side of him, and the spittle hit and stuck to his left sleeve.

"Watch whar yer spittin', Phin-bob!" Haldir cried, wiping his sleeve off on Orophin's shoulder.

"Phin-bob,Ah jest cain't help it…he's jest so durn cute!" Bubba laughed. "Sides…you didn't seem to mind when I was cropdustin' _yer_ furrow last summer…"

"You did not!" Orophin cried, giving Legolas a hard push backwards.

"Did too! An' ya used ta scream like a little bitty gurl!" Legolas snorted. Haldir, Rumil, and Thranduil guffawed along with him.

"Listen up, Bubba…yer man Gornie's done pissed us off. We cain't jest sit 'round an' have no fairy begettin' our sister's baby gurl…" Rumil explained. "We's gonna have to go bust his haid in. Sorry."

"Don't you touch him, Miller!Ah ain't done with him yet. Ya'll just have to wait. 'Sides, it's Wennie's bizness what horse she lets in her barn, not yers."

"Wennie's been screwin' the horses, too?" Rumil asked, looking from one of his brothers to another. "Ah ain't seen that since two years ago when Gladrie got shit-faced at the Midsummer 4-H Fair."

Haldir swatted Rumil upside the back of the head. "No, ya Knucklehaid…he means Gornie!"

"Gladrie's screwing Gornie? Ain't she too old fer him?" Rumil asked, thoroughly confused.

"NO! Wennie is!"

"Wennie's screwing Gladrie?Ah wanna watch next time," Rumil proclaimed, a big grin spreading across his face, revealing all three of his teeth.

Haldir bobbed Rumil on top of the head, driving his brother to his knees. "No, you moron! Wennie's been screwing Gornie!"

"Oh.Ah already knowed that."

"We's still gonna have to go callin' on Gornie, Bubba. If'n you wanna save his hide, you best be comin' with us," Orophin proclaimed.

"All right, all right…but you ain't layin' a finger on him…you jest let me talk to him first, Phin-bob!" Legolas warned, shaking his finger at Orophin.

"Hey, Thrandy, you still make that rotgut?Ah believeAh gots a powerful thirst…" Haldir asked Thranduil, jabbing his elbow into the older Elf's side.

"Shee-it, Hal…you three ere gonna drink me outta bizness…last time you didn't leave not one drop!" Thranduil laughed, leading them around the back of the rock shanty to where his still was percolating loudly.

Sitting down at the weathered, oil spotted picnic table, the four Elves each took their own jug of moonshine, taking long swallows from the bottles.

Hal took out a pocketknife and began rapidly stabbing it into the table top in between the fingers of his left hand, while the other Elves took bets on when he would miss.

Three swallow later, he did.

"Eru damn it!" he screamed, staring down at the knife embedded in his hand between his thumb and index finger. "Shit but that hurts like hell!"

"Look it gushin'! Hal, yer bleedin' a freakin' river!"

Thranduil reached over and poured a liberal amount of moonshine on Haldir's wound, causing Haldir to scream and punch Thranduil directly in the face with his free hand.

"Lordy, Hal…we best git gone before my Daddy wakes up, 'cause he's gonna be as ornry as a warg!Ah think ya mighta broke his nose - an' he wuz real fond a that nose, too," Bubba said, looking down at Thranduil, who was out cold.

"Gimme that rag thar, and let me wrap my hand up, Phin-bob," Haldir said. "We best be gittin' on anyway. We need ta be lookin' fer Gornie…Miller! Get yer hand off'n Bubba's ass, an' help me wrap this up!"

Rumil looked a little disappointed, but did as his brother instructed. Together the four elves left Thranduil lying in the dirt by the still, and rode off toward Rivendell.


	7. Rondy

**Disclaimer**: We dun't owns it...-pissed elves glare at Bird and Kath- **Elrond:** Since when did I become a violent cretin who cannot speak properly!? **Thranduil:** Come on Rondy, I think it is a refreshing change from your normal demeanor... **Bird:** Yeah, haven't you ever had the urge to punch Aragorn? **Elrond:** Well, I...um... -is at a loss of words- **Thranduil:**You know you have, and look, someone has given you that opportunity... 

----- 

Elrohir watched pensively as his father, crazed and pissed, chasedAragorn around the Last Homely Trailer. 

Just moments before, Elrond had walked into the stable to prepare a horse to go riding. Some interesting moaning and groaning sounds had distracted him, and he had walked over to inspect the stall from whichthe noisecame. 

First off, he'd never wanted tosee Aragorn naked. Second, he hadn't wanted to know just HOW flexible his daughter was. Thirdly...well, there was no third one because at that point the shock had worn off, and he'd jumped into "father-who-was-going-to-kill-his-daughter's-lover" mode. 

After Arwen had been able to pry her father's fingers from around Aragorn's neck, Aragorn had been able to escape and pull his pants up andtie them. But that was about it, as Elrond had once again launched himself at Aragorn and was now chasing him around Rivendell. 

At that moment is when Elrohir, in defeat, had sat down on a stumpto watch his father and sister's lover run around like crazed animals. 

Elladan came and joined him. 

"Come'on, 'Ro, it ain't that bad." 

Elrohir hmmphed. 

"She could be knocked up." 

Just then, Celebrian ran out of the trailer chasing Arwen. Galadriel followed close behind. Arwen ran and hid behind her two brothers, seeking their protection. Celebrian stopped right in front of the two elves. 

"Don't ya two be protectin' that thar hussy!" Galadriel placed a calming hand her daughter, hoping that she could keep her granddaughter from being killed. 

"Mama, it cain't be all that bad; whut you do, Wennie." Elladan looked back at his sister. 

"That thar sister of yers is knocked up! By that thar 'uman!" 

Elrond and Gornie both stopped in shock and stared at the five elves. 

"CEBBY, WHUT YOU SAYS!?" Elrond roared, losing control of his fist and knocking Aragorn unconscious. 

Galadriel went behind the twins and wrapped her arms protectively around Arwen. 

"Jest ya'll hold on wun minute. Now Wennie, tell us whut's goin' on." Galadriel smiled warmly at the trembling girl. Aragorn stomped over, rubbing his jaw after he'd come to. 

"Yeah, Wennie, you knocked up, and whose is it?" Aragorn narrowed his eyes at Arwen, knowing full of her relationship with Legolas. 

Not sure of what to say to the six elves crowded around her and glaring at her, Wennie blushed, and stammered. 

"Y-y-yep, Ah's be knocked up mama and daddy. But..." She paused for a moment, giving Aragorn an apologetic look. "But it ain't Gornie's." 

Everyone leaned in real close expectantly. 

"Its Bubba Greenleaf's." 

Poor Aragorn was once again knocked unconsciousas Elrond lost control of his fist again. 


	8. Bubba Greenleaf

**Disclaimer:** Dag nabbit! We's done tole ya time and time agin that we don't own nothing...no way, no how, no nothin'!

**Legolas:** On behalf of all Elves, I wish to make it perfectly clear that the writings of the authors in no way reflect the opinions, values, or educational levels of the Elves. **Kath:** Jeez, Legs, lighten up, will ya? It's just a story. **Legolas:** Really? I just got a call from the producers of Cops. What does that tell you? **Kath:** You have a phone? What's the number? **Legolas:** Area code 40...oh, no you don't...nice try. **Kath:** Damn.

-----------------------------

"Bad Elves, Bad Elves, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you? Bad Elves, Bad Elves, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?"

**Voice over:** "This episode of Cops was filmed on location with the law enforcement officers of Arda."

--------------------

Aragorn finally regained consciousness just about the time Elrond grabbed his chest and began to stagger about the barnyard, alternately cursing and warning everyone within hearing that he was about to die.

"Ya cain't die, Daddy...yer a Elf, remember?" Elladan tried to comfort his Ada, unsuccessfully. "Only if'n it's from battle or a broken heart...yer heart ain't broke, is it Daddy?"

Celebrian had retreated into the kitchen, and was throwing every breakable object within reach against the wall.

Arwen was on the ground, weeping and wailing inconsolably, while Galadriel stood over her shrieking, alternately berating Arwen's lack of birth control responsibility with condemning Legolas' lack of control period.

Elrohir was simply running around in circles, talking to himself - not too unusual, since it was a known fact that he was born a little off center.

It was just about that time when Haldir, Rumil, Orophin, and Legolas reined their horses to a stop at the edge of the Rivendell Trailer Park. Jumping down from their horses, they surveyed the scene before them.

"What the tarnation is goin' on here?" Haldir yelled, putting out an arm to stop Elrohir.

"What's going on? What's going on? Jest a fam'ly emergency is all! We jest found out that our Wennie is knocked up, and she says the daddy ain't Gornie!"

"What? Not Gornie? Uh, oh..." Haldir said, shooting Legolas a look that said, "Run!"

"THAR HE IS!" Elrond roared, forgetting all about his apparent heart attack. "THAR'S THE LOWDOWN, YELLER BELLIED COWARD WHAT COULDN'T KEEP IT IN HIS LEGGINGS!"

"Whar is he?" Legolas asked Haldir, looking around, confused.

"He means YOU, ya knucklehaid! RUN, BUBBA, RUN!" Haldir shouted, giving the blonde Elf a push.

"Shee-it!" Legolas yelped, jumping three feet in the air, his legs beginning to churn before he hit the ground. Unfortunately, Elrond, fueled by a father's love for his daughter, as well as several jugs of shine, was just a bit faster.

He grabbed Legolas by the scruff of the neck, threw him to the ground, and commenced to pummel him full force about the head and shoulders.

"No, Daddy! Not the face!" Wennie cried from her spot on the ground.

"Shesh it, girl! Let yer paw work! He's tryin' to get you a huzbund!" Gladrie hollered, giving Wennie a not-so-subtle nudge with her foot.

Elrohir and Elladan were trying to keep the three Lorien brothers from jumping on Elrond's back as he pummeled Legolas. Soon enough, the two dark twins and the three silver brothers were swinging wild punches at each other, some connecting, some not.

It was just about then that the first sirens could be heard in the distance.

"Attention all Elf-billies on the lawn! Stop yer ballyhoo-in' and lie still, with yer hands behind yer backs! This here is Sheriff Fin and Deputy 'Restor...ya'll are under arrest!"

The twins tried to make a break for it, but Deputy 'Restor tackled them both, rolling across the lawn with them in a giant cloud of dust. When the dust settled, the twins had their wrists handcuffed and were face down in the dirt.

"All right now...suppose one'n of ya tell me whut happened here?" Sheriff Fin asked, looking at Gladrie. "You...the old, yet kinda purty one...whut happened?"

"This here varmint, name o' Bubba done got my grandbaby Wennie knocked up. Her daddy, Ronnie, was jest trying ta make him do the right thing and make a honest woman o' the poor thang."

"This true, Bubba? Did ya put yer pickle in her barrel?" Fin asked the bleeding, swelling lump under Elrond's fist.

"Um...I guess so...but Gornie was doin' her too! How does she knowed it was me?" Legolas whined through his fat lip.

"Cause I does, that's why, Bubba Greenleaf!" Wennie cried, burying her face in her hands.

"Seems like we's gonna have us a "nocked arrow" wedding, Bubba...lest you gots a reason why we shouldn't..." Sheriff Fin said, looking down at Legolas. "Well? Whatcha got to say fer yerself?"


End file.
